So much has been happening over the past few months and I’ve found myself floundering a little bit. My emotions are all over the place and I try to remind myself everyday that it’s okay. I’m allowed to feel the way I feel even if it’s confusing.
Ever since I was a kid I struggled with my emotions. I was never sure what it was that I was feeling. My mom did her best to help me and to teach me how to recognise my emotions but it is something that I struggle with to this day. I can’t imagine how much harder it would be now if I didn’t have my moms help.
That being said, this transition into a new chapter has been one of the hardest times of my life. In a very different way than what I’m used to. I have been challenged many times in my life but this time I felt lost in the trauma. I think that’s why I’m struggling so much now that the dust has settled. Throughout the turmoil I had no idea how I was feeling, I was going numb while being extremely stressed out at the same time. I was surging and shutting down at the same time. Now that things have calmed down my body feels heavy and sore, like I physically went through who knows what and I have managed to identify one big emotion. Anger. I am so freaking angry and that isn’t something I’m used to. I don’t like anger, it was an emotion I grew up around… I was surrounded by angry people when I was a child and with all of my cute brain traits… anger and loud noises triggered me. Shouting, banging, stomping… you name it… it was the worst for my sensory issues. So, I can’t handle anger.
When I realised how angry I am, I felt betrayed by my own brain and body.
Since realising anger is very present in my body, the rest of the emotions became clear to me. I am struggling and I don’t really know how to fix it right now. The triggers are coming in hot and I am trying to remember to use my tools… to help myself through the new turmoil rolling through my body.
I want to end this on two things…
1. Remember that your words can hurt people. The things you say has consequences. Remember that when you speak to hurt, it can do more damage than you can imagine. Be kind to people, even if you don’t understand them… just be kind. Humans are all unique, we aren’t supposed to be the same, work the same, think the same… we are individuals who have all been through different things that shaped us. We were born different to one another and that is the most beautiful thing about humans. Don’t try to put someone in a box and then make them feel small and unworthy when they don’t fit into that box.
2. Be gentle with yourself. There will be times when life challenges you, when you are faced with difficult lessons. Be gentle with yourself in those moments. You deserve all the love in the world. You are who you are meant to be and never let someone else’s words drown you. Give yourself the grace you would give others. Just be you.
Thanks for being here, you beautiful creature.
I will chat to you soon.
Paint and My Mat 