Why am I like this?

I have been sharing my life, experiences and thoughts here for a long time and I love it. This blog has been a huge part of my healing journey. I love sharing here but when it comes to talking to a real life person… I forget how to think and speak. I suppose when it comes to speaking to an actual person in real life… I feel like I’m not in control. I worry about what I’m saying, how it will be perceived and how the person may be judging me.

It took a minute for me to get into therapy because I’m so bad at opening up to people but I got lucky with my therapist. She made it easier for me. But now I am sitting with a problem… I’m being challenged. Thanks Universe. ❤

In a few days I will have to sit in front of a person I don’t know and tell them everything. Well, not everything but I will have to open up and I am not looking forward to it. When it comes to sharing here, I am in control… I enjoy the process of just writing whatever I want to. I suppose writing has always been a form of therapy for me, it also helps that there isn’t a pair of eyes trained on me. Oh! How I love eye contact! (I don’t.) Half the time when I’m making eye contact with a stranger I’m just thinking about the eye contact…
Am I doing it right?
Am I blinking enough?
Should I look away and then look back at them?
Will they notice if I blink a lot and then squeeze my eyes shut for a moment because that sounds amazing.
Am I stimming?
I should blink now!

The biggest question I’m asking myself right now besides… WHY AM I LIKE THIS? Is… Should I drop the mask in front of this person? Can I trust them? My husband will be with me and he hasn’t even seen me completely without a mask. Will it be safe to stim or will I have to answer questions that make me angry? Will they judge me? I have no idea what I’ll do but I need to be there and I need to allow myself to be there. It’s just feeling very scary at the moment.

I ask myself this question everyday. I’d love to get to the point where I can just accept myself for who I am but I understand that I still have a lot of healing and growing to do before I’ll be completely comfortable in myself.

Thanks for letting me scream into the void a little bit. It helps. Thank you for reading dear stranger. I’m assuming there’s zero judgment coming from you. ❤

Chat soon!