Fearing The Next Step

Hey everyone, I know I haven’t blogged in a while. Life went a bit wonky there for a second. It still feels like the world is spinning around me and I’m struggling to get my footing but the spinning seems to be slowing down a little. (Hopefully.)

I decided to check in and write a blog post, perhaps writing will help.

Navigating this world without my mom is very daunting to me. When she was around I always had someone to talk to, someone who would drop everything and listen, give advice and help me reach a decision. I took that for granted. I never realized it would go away so soon.
Today an opportunity came knocking and I desperately needed to talk it out. Luckily my cousin was happy to listen but ultimately I still had to take control of the thought process and my decisions. It’s in moments like that, that I feel like a little child drowning. My mom wasn’t just my mom. She was my best friend, my business partner and we were each others biggest fans. We did everything together, especially when it came to our business and now I have to make these decisions alone. A big part of me feels like I can’t, like I’m missing a step, like I’m not allowed to make these decisions alone. It’s a very strange feeling. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to it.
Ultimately, I did make a choice and I’m happy with my choice because I know it’s the right thing to do but there’s a small part of me that’s always worried that I might be going in the wrong direction and there isn’t anyone who knows me well enough to stop me from walking off a cliff by accident. I get that this is part of life and everyone goes through moments of being scared, imposter syndrome effects many, many people. I’ve just never felt so lost.

The only thing getting me through, is the knowledge I have gathered throughout my life. The practices that keep me breathing deeply and my loved ones that are still here. I know that’s all I really need to navigate my way through this life and I’m grateful but it’s still scary.

If you’re going through anything scary at the moment, know that you’re not alone. Let’s take a deep breath in together. In through the nose and sigh it out! Again through the nose and out through the mouth. Let go of that fear. One last time, in through the nose and a big sigh out.
Know that you are loved and know that you are safe.

Until next time,
Namaste.