Paint and My Mat

Embrace The Fear

We tend to view fear as a hindrance, an obstacle that stands in the way of our progress. But what if we were to shift our perspective and see fear not as something bad but as something powerful to encourage personal growth and transformation?

Fear, at its core, is a natural response to the unknown. It’s our body’s way of signalling potential danger, triggering the fight-or-flight response. The only problem is that our fears trigger the fight-or-flight response even when we’re not in physical danger. That’s something that I’ve been living with my entire life, I constantly feel like a lion is about to jump out from behind me. Anxiety is fun right?

The thing is… It’s easy to get comfortable in the safety of the familiar, but growth doesn’t really happen when we’re stuck in our comfort zones. (I am currently stuck in a very squishy comfort zone…) Fear, though uncomfortable, is a sign that we’re stepping outside the boundaries of what we know. Instead of avoiding fear, we should think of it as an invitation to explore uncharted territories and expand our horizons. Who doesn’t like a good adventure??

“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.”
– Marie Curie

Rather than viewing fear as an obstacle, consider it a guide. It points us toward areas in our lives that are ripe for transformation. By changing our perspective on fear, we open ourselves to the immense possibilities that lie on the other side of discomfort.

So, let’s embrace fear as a companion on our journey. Recognise its power to propel us forward, to push us beyond the boundaries of what we thought possible. The next time fear knocks on your door, welcome it with open arms – for within that discomfort lies the key to unlocking your true potential.

Now, if only I was good at taking my own advice.

Chat soon besties… I promise there isn’t a lion standing behind you right now. Hopefully.

How?

I’m a firm believer of taking inspiration from anything and everything. I can find a story in anything and that’s one of my favourite things about myself but lately I’ve been struggling. I have been struggling in every area of my life but I feel like my writing has suffered the most. My creative side seems to be laying dormant and I’m not sure how to get it to move again.

I have never been this tired, I have never felt this stuck… this is kind of new to me and I don’t know how to get out of it. I don’t know how to get moving, how to get my creativity moving. I try to lean on my beliefs, practices and tools but most of the time I’m too tired for even that. If I could sleep the time away I would but thankfully that scares the shit out of me. I hate feeling like I’m running out of time and that’s all that will happen. Sleeping the days and stress away will only make it all worse. So instead I take small naps, stare off into the distance and manically do chores.

So this post is less about talking about the answers I’ve found and more about asking the question. I have one question for myself.

-How do I find my flow again?

I know that I’m the only person who can answer this question for myself. I know the answer is probably extremely obvious but at the moment I just can’t see it.

Wish me luck besties. I’ll let you know when I find the answer. 🙂

Thanks for being here… chat soon.

New Year!

Hey, my lovelies.

Can you believe we’re in a new year? I like to take some time in January to really sit and think about my life and where I’d like to make some changes and improvements. It’s a time when I set some goals, sink into my gratitude and try to really breathe in the positivity. It’s time to put last year behind us and focus on this new year. I don’t know about you, but my year last year was possibly the wildest time of my life. It was full of ups and downs. I made some of my favourite memories last year and at the same time, sometimes last year haunts me with the trauma we went through… but I’m ready to let it go and just look forward. Here’s some of the things I’m going to be doing this month to set the tone for this new year.

Reflect, Chill, Release:
First things first, let’s take a relaxing moment to reflect on the past. What were the highs, the lows, and the in-betweens? No need for deep thoughts or overthinking – just vibe with it. Once you’ve got the vibe, release any lingering negativity. It’s like Marie Kondo-ing your mind. Let go of what doesn’t spark joy and make room for the good stuff.
Set manageable Intentions:
Forget the resolutions that make you feel like you’re signing a contract with the universe. Instead, set some laid-back intentions for the year. Think of it like a mantra for good times ahead. Something like, “I’m gonna rock this year with positive vibes” or “I’m gonna roll with the punches and come out smiling.”
Gratitude is the Real MVP:
Let’s talk about gratitude – the secret sauce to good vibes. Take a few minutes every day to think about the stuff that’s making you feel warm and fuzzy. Big wins, tiny victories, or just the fact that your favourite snack exists. Jot it down, share it with your friends – whatever floats your gratitude boat. The more you appreciate, the more good stuff rolls your way.
Surround yourself with positive people:
Take stock of your people and your space. If it’s all good vibes, awesome! If not, consider some changes. Surround yourself with the people who lift you up and create a cozy den that screams good times. A clutter-free zone can do wonders for your vibes, trust me.
Embrace Zen:
Just try a bit of mindfulness or meditation to keep the chill vibes flowing. Start small – a few minutes a day – and see how it goes. It’s like a mini vacation for your mind. Just breathe!
Spread Good Vibes Like Confetti:
You know what’s better than receiving good vibes? Giving them! Try random acts of kindness. It could be as simple as holding the door for someone or complimenting a stranger’s shoes. The ripple effect is real, and you’ll be surfing on good vibes in no time.

That’s it, friends. Reflect, set intentions, be grateful, curate your space, chill out with mindfulness, and spread the good vibes like confetti. Here’s to a year filled with epic moments, awesome people, and vibes so good they should be bottled up.

I’m sending you all love!
Chat soon!

Just Keep Going

Just keep going. That’s what I tell myself everyday. I have faith that things are improving, that my health is great, that my mental health is getting back to where it needs to be. Just keep going…. I’m going to be okay. Just keep going… your baby is going to be okay. Just keep going…. our family is going to be okay.

I’ve always found it fascinating how debilitating stress can be. It takes over my entire body and it’s like I’m stuck. There’s nothing to do in those moments besides sleep, or just sit and let the doom take over. I need to stop asking myself why I’m so tired and so slow… I just need to give myself some time. The lessons keep arriving and I do my best to learn. I deal with the people, the situations and the circumstances… I do my best to look at these lessons and take them on with grace.

Just keep going.
Just keep going.
Just keep going.
Just keep going.

I’m currently wrestling with a big fear… something that could potentially change everything about the way I wanted to give birth. Once again, I am sitting here just trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be learning from this. What is the lesson here? I know that everything happens for a reason and I always trust that the universe has my back but I can’t help but want to UNDERSTAND. I suppose that’s my downfall… I constantly have the need to understand things but I also happen to be an extremely confused individual.

Just keep going.
Just keep going.
Just keep going.
Just keep going.

I won’t lose myself in this and I’m incredibly lucky to have the most beautiful husband in the world. He keeps me smiling, laughing and sane… he makes everything brighter. I will keep going, growing and learning. This life is and always has been full of lessons. I’m happy to learn them… I think I just need a little break now. I’m tired.

How are you doing? I hope you’re okay and if you’re struggling… Just keep going. We’re going to be okay. ❤

Thanks for being here. I’ll chat to you soon.

🙂

Why am I like this?

I have been sharing my life, experiences and thoughts here for a long time and I love it. This blog has been a huge part of my healing journey. I love sharing here but when it comes to talking to a real life person… I forget how to think and speak. I suppose when it comes to speaking to an actual person in real life… I feel like I’m not in control. I worry about what I’m saying, how it will be perceived and how the person may be judging me.

It took a minute for me to get into therapy because I’m so bad at opening up to people but I got lucky with my therapist. She made it easier for me. But now I am sitting with a problem… I’m being challenged. Thanks Universe. ❤

In a few days I will have to sit in front of a person I don’t know and tell them everything. Well, not everything but I will have to open up and I am not looking forward to it. When it comes to sharing here, I am in control… I enjoy the process of just writing whatever I want to. I suppose writing has always been a form of therapy for me, it also helps that there isn’t a pair of eyes trained on me. Oh! How I love eye contact! (I don’t.) Half the time when I’m making eye contact with a stranger I’m just thinking about the eye contact…
Am I doing it right?
Am I blinking enough?
Should I look away and then look back at them?
Will they notice if I blink a lot and then squeeze my eyes shut for a moment because that sounds amazing.
Am I stimming?
I should blink now!

The biggest question I’m asking myself right now besides… WHY AM I LIKE THIS? Is… Should I drop the mask in front of this person? Can I trust them? My husband will be with me and he hasn’t even seen me completely without a mask. Will it be safe to stim or will I have to answer questions that make me angry? Will they judge me? I have no idea what I’ll do but I need to be there and I need to allow myself to be there. It’s just feeling very scary at the moment.

I ask myself this question everyday. I’d love to get to the point where I can just accept myself for who I am but I understand that I still have a lot of healing and growing to do before I’ll be completely comfortable in myself.

Thanks for letting me scream into the void a little bit. It helps. Thank you for reading dear stranger. I’m assuming there’s zero judgment coming from you. ❤

Chat soon!

Settling In

So much has been happening over the past few months and I’ve found myself floundering a little bit. My emotions are all over the place and I try to remind myself everyday that it’s okay. I’m allowed to feel the way I feel even if it’s confusing.

Ever since I was a kid I struggled with my emotions. I was never sure what it was that I was feeling. My mom did her best to help me and to teach me how to recognise my emotions but it is something that I struggle with to this day. I can’t imagine how much harder it would be now if I didn’t have my moms help.

That being said, this transition into a new chapter has been one of the hardest times of my life. In a very different way than what I’m used to. I have been challenged many times in my life but this time I felt lost in the trauma. I think that’s why I’m struggling so much now that the dust has settled. Throughout the turmoil I had no idea how I was feeling, I was going numb while being extremely stressed out at the same time. I was surging and shutting down at the same time. Now that things have calmed down my body feels heavy and sore, like I physically went through who knows what and I have managed to identify one big emotion. Anger. I am so freaking angry and that isn’t something I’m used to. I don’t like anger, it was an emotion I grew up around… I was surrounded by angry people when I was a child and with all of my cute brain traits… anger and loud noises triggered me. Shouting, banging, stomping… you name it… it was the worst for my sensory issues. So, I can’t handle anger.
When I realised how angry I am, I felt betrayed by my own brain and body.

Since realising anger is very present in my body, the rest of the emotions became clear to me. I am struggling and I don’t really know how to fix it right now. The triggers are coming in hot and I am trying to remember to use my tools… to help myself through the new turmoil rolling through my body.

I want to end this on two things…
1. Remember that your words can hurt people. The things you say has consequences. Remember that when you speak to hurt, it can do more damage than you can imagine. Be kind to people, even if you don’t understand them… just be kind. Humans are all unique, we aren’t supposed to be the same, work the same, think the same… we are individuals who have all been through different things that shaped us. We were born different to one another and that is the most beautiful thing about humans. Don’t try to put someone in a box and then make them feel small and unworthy when they don’t fit into that box.

2. Be gentle with yourself. There will be times when life challenges you, when you are faced with difficult lessons. Be gentle with yourself in those moments. You deserve all the love in the world. You are who you are meant to be and never let someone else’s words drown you. Give yourself the grace you would give others. Just be you.

Thanks for being here, you beautiful creature.

I will chat to you soon.

It’s Okay

I just want you to now that it’s okay to say how you feel. Your feelings are important, they matter and you don’t have to feel bad for feeling the way you feel.

Our feelings are there for a reason, they help us learn and grow. Feelings let us know how we are, how life is affecting us and if we’re in the right place. Listening to your feelings can teach you so much about yourself and the world around you. Don’t ignore your feelings, they are there for a reason.

I have always been extremely hard on myself. I beat myself up for the smallest things and I know that is a result of trauma but I also understand that I can’t stay in that dark place. I deserve better and so do you.

Let yourself feel your emotions and give yourself the credit you deserve. You are amazing!

Things! So many things.

My brain is busy. There’s so much to do and so much to think about. You know when you’re a ball of stress? When you feel like your body is buzzing from all the adrenaline and insanity? That’s where I’m at, that fight and flight is now drenched in idea juice. (ew… Note to self: never say idea juice ever again.)

I have so many ideas, the possibilities are endless. I want to do this creative thing and that creative thing…. oh! and don’t forget that huge creative thing sitting there in the corner of my mind. I want to do it all!

Ultimately I am not going to do ALL THE THINGS. I’m might not even do one thing. It’s nice to think about all the possibilities but my brain is still frozen. There’s too many tabs open and now it’s just stuck. So what I need to do is get away from the THINGS and focus on the stuff I can do, the stuff that’s ready to be done… the stuff in front of me that in the greater scheme of things, will actually solve a lot of my problems.

So, lets make a list. Here are the things I need to do today.

reply to the messages from all the people
write 1000 words
write one or two flash pieces
~~blog post~~
social media posts
eat food
house things

Writing it all out in a list helps my brain to focus a bit so hopefully today goes well and I can just get some stuff done.

I hope you have a fantastic day of getting stuff done too, unless you’re just planning on having a chill day… in which case…. enjoy!

How do I breathe?

I don’t talk much… well, that’s a lie. Some may say I talk too much, if I’m super comfortable around a person, I never shut up. I don’t talk much about the real stuff, the things on my mind, the things that matter. I don’t share my stress, my worries or my grief. I don’t know how to talk about it to anyone but my mother and she’s not here anymore.

The days go by fast and the stress keeps threatening to overflow, all the while the only voice in my head is that of a small girl, crying for her mother.

Mommy.
Mommy.
Mommy..

The worst part is that I’m not alone. I have a beautiful, magical and loving support system. I have love and kindness surrounding me. I am safe. I have the freedom to be myself and thrive. But….

Mommy.
Mommy.
Mommy.

Grief is a strange thing. I know grief well, death is something I had to make peace with from a very young age but grief catches me by surprise…. every. single. day. When the screaming in my mind takes a break, I get a moment to breathe and then I have this intense need to get things done. But my brain is so tired from the screaming that it struggles to catch up. Which in turn makes me stress….

Mommy.
Mommy.
Mommy.

How do I explain to someone that my brain never shuts up, that all I want is my mother? I don’t talk much about these things but I know that I should. I wish my mom was here, she would know what to say.

Oh, thank goodness… the noise stopped. Time to breathe.

Just a little reminder.

Hey lovelies. I know I haven’t posted anything here for a really long time. Life has been insane in the best way possible! Life still feels like a dream. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is real, that I am the happiest I have ever been and that I deserve that happiness.

With that being said, the past few days have been a bit rough for me. My brain has been slow and caught up in the pain of the past…. yet at the same time I’ve been feeling a bit numb. It has been three years since my mother passed away. I can hardly believe it, the time has just flown. I wish she could be here to see how my life has changed. I wish she was here to laugh and play with us. I miss her so much.

When it comes to every day life, I have zero motivation and the stress is a little paralyzing. BUT… I’m allowing the feelings to flow. I am giving myself grace. I understand why I’m feeling this way and there’s no way to force these feelings to go away. All I can do is give myself these moments, offer myself a hug and a kind word. I am human… I feel big things and that’s okay. When it comes to grief, I allow myself to grow around the pain. The grief doesn’t become less, I just keep growing.

I have faith that everything will be okay. I will find my flow…. the fire will embrace me again.

So, here’s a little reminder. If you’re not okay… if life has been feeling a bit challenging. Just take a deep breath and offer yourself the love and kindness you would give to others.

I’m sending you all big hugs.