I don’t know about you but I’ve been feeling chaotic today! For the past week I have been struggling to concentrate or focus on anything. It almost feels like brain fog, I find myself triple checking the things I write to make sure it makes sense, I have to read things a few times to help it sink in. My anxiety has been insane, intrusive thoughts galore and the most vivid dreams. The energies and the movements of the planets have me feeling all topsy turvy. People are intimidating, the outside world is scary and all I want to do is take a nap! (I have been taking many naps. Listen to your body!) I feel like a mixture of The Mad Hatter, The March Hare and The Dormouse…. I should get myself some tea.
So with all the weirdness, I’ve thrown myself into some self study and serious manifestation practices! What do you do when you’re feeling all blah and up in the air?
For now I will try to embrace the madness and get through the rest of the month. Hopefully things will calm down, hopefully the energy becomes more gentle because I don’t think I can take this for much longer.
“I’m afraid I can’t explain myself, sir. Because I am not myself, you see?”
Hey everyone, I know I haven’t blogged in a while. Life went a bit wonky there for a second. It still feels like the world is spinning around me and I’m struggling to get my footing but the spinning seems to be slowing down a little. (Hopefully.)
I decided to check in and write a blog post, perhaps writing will help.
Navigating this world without my mom is very daunting to me. When she was around I always had someone to talk to, someone who would drop everything and listen, give advice and help me reach a decision. I took that for granted. I never realized it would go away so soon. Today an opportunity came knocking and I desperately needed to talk it out. Luckily my cousin was happy to listen but ultimately I still had to take control of the thought process and my decisions. It’s in moments like that, that I feel like a little child drowning. My mom wasn’t just my mom. She was my best friend, my business partner and we were each others biggest fans. We did everything together, especially when it came to our business and now I have to make these decisions alone. A big part of me feels like I can’t, like I’m missing a step, like I’m not allowed to make these decisions alone. It’s a very strange feeling. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to it. Ultimately, I did make a choice and I’m happy with my choice because I know it’s the right thing to do but there’s a small part of me that’s always worried that I might be going in the wrong direction and there isn’t anyone who knows me well enough to stop me from walking off a cliff by accident. I get that this is part of life and everyone goes through moments of being scared, imposter syndrome effects many, many people. I’ve just never felt so lost.
The only thing getting me through, is the knowledge I have gathered throughout my life. The practices that keep me breathing deeply and my loved ones that are still here. I know that’s all I really need to navigate my way through this life and I’m grateful but it’s still scary.
If you’re going through anything scary at the moment, know that you’re not alone. Let’s take a deep breath in together. In through the nose and sigh it out! Again through the nose and out through the mouth. Let go of that fear. One last time, in through the nose and a big sigh out. Know that you are loved and know that you are safe.
So, once again I was humbled by the lack of internet. I was completely disconnected form the online world. I obviously have a lesson I need to learn because this keeps happening. It was two weeks of feeling lost and free. I realized a few things about myself and others. Without the internet I have no idea what is going on in other peoples lives. What does that say about our communication skills? No one talks to each other anymore. It’s easier to post a story on social media and hopefully everyone who needs to see it, does. I’m sure I’ve missed out on a lot. I took the time to really focus on my self healing and I must say, I feel wonderful. Now I can talk about it online! I do see the irony.
I have now completed my 21 days of self healing, I have done some cord cutting and my garden is thriving. I have spent time doing the things that bring me pure joy. I have been reading, studying, healing and spreading the good vibes wherever I can. Taking a step away can make a huge difference.
I’ve been doing a lot of self healing surrounding abundance. Abundance comes to us in so many different ways, and sometimes we close ourselves off from it by accident. Something as small as receiving a cup of coffee with a loving heart is opening yourself to abundance. I’ve started to say yes to all abundance coming my way and I am so thankful for it. I am once again evolving and changing from who I used to be and I love it. I say goodbye to that part of me with love in my heart, I forgive myself and I move on. I will never be that version of myself ever again and that is why it’s so important to love ourselves in the moment. Enjoy this version of yourself right now.
I am nearly done setting up my Reiki room, and I am beyond excited to start healing again. I have lots of exciting new ideas and some interesting experiences in the works. I’m also currently editing my novel like a crazy person. I’m doing Camp NaNoWriMo this month and I really would love to have the manuscript ready for proofreaders by the end of the month.
So my lovely readers, that’s my little update. I plan on posting again soon (if the internet stays on) and I look forward to sharing this journey with you all. I hope you have all been keeping safe and healthy out there!
I AM FLOWING WITH LIFE. THE UNIVERSE LOVES AND SUPPORTS ME. I ATTRACT ABUNDANCE INTO MY LIFE. I AM HEALTHY, I FEEL ALIVE. I LOVE AND APPRECIATE MY BODY AND MY MIND. I FLOW THROUGH FORGIVENESS AND INTO LOVE. I AM LOVE AND I AM LOVED. I AM PEACEFUL AND SAFE. I AM BLESSED IN EVERY AREA OF MY LIFE. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. I LET GO OF THE PAST WITH LOVE. I FORGIVE MYSELF. I TRUST THE PROCESS OF LIFE. I AM OPEN AND RECEPTIVE TO ALL GOOD. I LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF. I AM ENOUGH.
I find it so interesting how we are challenged when we embark on our healing journeys. I started my 21 days of self healing on the 3rd and its been wonderful. I’ve grown in so many ways but yesterday a trigger of mine popped up and I find my reaction interesting. I’m still overthinking it and irrational thought is trying very hard to make it’s way into my mind but the anxiety is less, the fear is less. I am so grateful for that. I know that I need to keep the faith and carry on with my healing, I know that this trigger is just another lesson and I need to grow through it. I don’t need to react to it. I don’t need to hop onto the worry train.
I’ve always felt that my paranoia and my anxiety is kind of like an addiction. I’ve been struggling with it for such a long time that I have no idea what life could be like without it. What is life like with no irrational fear? A big part of me is scared to find out. That’s why I’m finding dealing with this trigger a bit difficult, it would be so easy to fall back into that comfort zone of fear, intrusive thoughts and utter misery but I don’t want to feel scared anymore. It’s so tiring. At the same time I must not fall back into my old way of dealing with it, I must not fret and I realize that sounds an awful lot like worrying but I don’t mean it that way.
Fret verb gerund or present participle: fretting
1. be constantly or visibly anxious. “she fretted about the cost of groceries” Similar: worry, be anxious, feel uneasy, be distressed, be upset, upset oneself, concern oneself.
2. gradually wear away (something) by rubbing or gnawing. “the bay’s black waves fret the seafront”
I fret, as in the second meaning. I feel like my old way of dealing with triggers was by rubbing at it, wearing it away, trying to make it go away by erasing it through relentless force. It was exhausting but I can feel myself trying to do that again.
Though I refuse to fall back into those old ways and I will continue to work through it. I will continue to do the things that have helped me thus far. I will continue on with my 21 days. I will be gentle. I will flow through it. I will show life that I’m willing to walk along with it, I will match it’s pace, I will hold it’s hand. I will not try to make it turn around or change.
So if you feel like you are constantly being challenged in your healing journey and you want to give up. Don’t. Just carry on, flow through it and keep healing. I believe in you.
I AM ENERGIZED. I AM LOVED. I AM CONFIDENT. I AM CREATIVE. THE UNIVERSE LOVES AND SUPPORTS ME. I AM INSPIRED. I ATTRACT LOVE AND KINDNESS INTO MY LIFE. I ALLOW MYSELF TO ENJOY LIFE. I ATTRACT POSITIVE PEOPLE INTO MY LIFE. I AM HOPEFUL. I AM LOVING AND KIND. I CELEBRATE CHANGE. I AM SAFE AT ALL TIMES. I AM ENOUGH. ALL IS WELL IN MY WORLD.
Feel free to use any of these, and I encourage you to come up with a few of your own that aligns perfectly with your needs.
I hope you are all having a beautiful day or night.
Hello everyone, I know I’ve been very quiet, and I know that March started like, a week ago. (Oops) I do hope that you’ve all been well out there!
I don’t know about you but I can feel the seasons beginning to change and I can’t be more excited for the cold! Since it’s been getting cooler, I’ve been getting up earlier. It doesn’t feel like the sun is melting my eyeballs anymore. Thank goodness.
So what have you been up to? I’ve been up and down over that past couple of months but I seem to be getting back to myself again. I’ve put a lot of work into me and I’ve found a part of myself that I thought I had lost a long time ago. Something that I haven’t shared here, or at least I think I haven’t shared here is that I’m a Reiki practitioner, I studied Usui Reiki back in 2016 and 2017. I finished all three my degrees and I had my own little practice. Not long ago, I was sorting through some of my mom’s stuff and I found my certificates. It hit me hard that I’ve been hiding away from a huge part of myself… the Healer in me.
So, I got hold of my old Reiki Master, teacher and friend. I got a refresher and an attunement. The minute that energy hit me, I felt, home. I felt, whole. I felt my mom embracing me. It was wonderful.
Now I’m in the middle of my 21 days of self healing and then I’ll slowly get back into practicing on my friends and family. Every night, I do my healing, I meditate and I cry happy tears. I never want to lose this part of myself ever gain. No more running. There’s a lot of change in the air, many things I want to expand on and learn. As you all know, I am a huge fan of change, this is going to be good. I can feel it in my bones.
I will keep you guys up to date on my healing journey and I’m sending you all loads of good vibes and positive energy.
Hey everyone, how are you all? Are you finding January weird? I know that January is never really easy but this year feels different to me. The further we got into Jan and the closer we keep inching towards February, the weirder it feels. With lockdown, crazy incidents all over the world and my unending grief, I have no idea how to feel anymore. I am sure you can all relate to these feelings.
Something I am finding strange about my own habits this month is how long it takes me to do anything. Sometimes I can sit on a blog post for days. It has taken me a week to dig a flower bed in my back yard and I only write about 200 words a day on my current work in progress. I keep telling myself that its better than nothing. So, in saying all that… I have decided that tomorrow I will sit down with my art journal, my normal journal and my habit tracker. I want to plan out a few spreads and put together some to-do lists. Hopefully I can get some flow back into my non existent routine. I am so close to finishing my work in progress and I have already started the planning for my next project. I need to get out of the habit of starting something and getting distracted by my grief halfway through.
I think I’ll put together a blog post of some of my journal spreads, lets see how far I get.
I hope the January weirdness hasn’t been too much for you all and I really hope you are all safe and healthy out there. Here’s to finding some creativity and being more productive. May we all find our smiles and lightheartedness again!
Todays Affirmation
I AM INSPIRED AND CREATIVE. I CREATE WITH EASE AND I ATTRACT LOVE AND KINDNESS INTO MY WORLD. ALL IS WELL.
Hey everyone, I hope you are all staying safe and healthy out there.
I don’t know about you, but I haven’t been feeling very motivated. I’ve been struggling with my own mental health and I can’t seem to get back into the flow of writing. All of my projects are waiting for my attention. The festive season really did take it’s toll. I’ve been very tired, watching TV has been a big comfort and all I can think about is how much I miss my mom. I remind myself every day not to be too hard on myself. I know I’ve suffered great loss over the past few months and I need time to mourn but I feel like I’m just losing the need to do anything at all. So, I’m trying to find and create the things that make me happy. You know what makes me happy? Being outside in my garden makes me happy. The fresh air, the breeze on my skin… flowers smiling up at me, the earth grounding me. Having that time in nature is a life saver. Flowers have always made me smile. My mother always had freshly cut flowers in the house. I made sure to have all of her favorite flowers in the garden so that she could make arrangements for the house.
We have always been blessed to have a garden. No matter where we moved, we always had a garden. There’s nothing like looking out your window and seeing big trees, colorful flowers and green grass. When I do my gratitude practices in the morning and at night, I always list my garden twice.
Another thing that makes me happy is Art. Art has and always will be one of the most important things in my life. When I am feeling anxious, paranoid or sad I pick up a pen. Just a normal ballpoint pen and I sketch. Ballpoint pen is one of my favorite mediums. I don’t sketch out anything with pencil first, it’s just pen on paper. In the beginning it did intimidate me a bit but all I hear when I start doubting myself is my art teachers voice in my head. “There is no such thing as mistakes in art.” He never allowed us to use erasers, he hated erasers. If we wanted to practice certain techniques or get a hang of a new style then we had to use our sketchbooks but the minute we took to our final canvas, there were no more mistakes only happy coincidences.
I thought it was harsh and it did give me anxiety as a kid but if he never taught me that lesson, I know in my heart, I wouldn’t be as confident with my art as I am today. The point wasn’t to make us perfect, it wasn’t to make our art perfect… he taught us that, so that we could accept the imperfection in or art. So that we could see that our “mistakes” were valuable.
So yes, my art is full of beautiful ”mistakes” and I embrace them. The ”mistakes” in my pieces make them more beautiful to me.
Finding things that make us happy is important. Finding helpful ways to get us through hard times is important. Our mental health is important. I have to remind myself constantly, that these things are important. So I start small… when I feel awful, I go and sit with my flowers, I wriggle my toes in the earth. Then I take out my pen and paper, I sketch for as long as I need to. After a while I feel myself become lighter.
What do you turn to when you feel all alone in the harsh world? What brings you happiness? Remember to make time for the things that make you feel lighter. Now give yourself a tight hug, and know you are loved.
Paint and My Mat 